The Lost Skills of Communication and Listening – LISTENING

Last week I explored the art of effective communication, and I lamented about the fact that Dale Carnegie first wrote about effective communication and being a good listener in his 1936 book “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It has sold tens of millions of copies since that time, but it seems that our leaders today have either not read it or read it and ignored it.

This is a crying shame when listening is the most critical skill a leader needs.

The impact

There is a massive impact if you are a leader, and you cannot listen.

All the other skills you must possess to be a good leader rely on listening. These skills include having empathy, providing direction, coaching and mentoring, supporting and developing.

Last week I talked about effective communication. But the crux is that you cannot communicate effectively if you do not listen. How do you know your message has been received as intended?

Listening is at the foundation of all the other things a leader must be capable of.

I continue to run customised communication workshops for employees at all levels of the organisation, including those designated as leaders, as I observe on a regular basis people who just do not listen.

As I said last week, unless we get this right, all the leadership development you undertake will be like building a house on shifting sand. All that expensive development will have no solid foundation on which to build. You will be wasting both your time, that of your leaders, and your money.

I think the lack of effective communication and active listening is a result of people assuming that because they “communicate” and “listen” all the time, they must be ok at it. This is not the case.

Just because you can speak does not mean you are communicating.

Just because you can hear does not mean you are listening.

It is time to relearn these skills. Let’s look at listening.

Listening

We must practice active listening. This enables us to listen to obtain information, listen to understand, and listen to learn. If you practice active listening it means you are making a conscious effort to not only hear the words being spoken but more importantly, the complete message that is being communicated.

The Dale Carnegie and Associates book “Managing Through People, which I mentioned last week, includes a quiz that I thought I would use as the outline for this newsletter.

Ask yourselves these questions to understand if you are an active listener and determine areas for improvement.

Do you stop talking while someone is trying to tell you something?

You cannot listen if you are talking. Period.

Listen rather than think about what you want to say.

Give the other person your full and undivided attention.

Using nonverbal feedback such as nodding, facial expression, and the right body language to reassure the person you are listening without having to speak.

Do you concentrate on what is being said and make eye contact?

When you are an active listener, you avoid all distractions. You cannot allow yourself to be distracted by what is going on around you. This includes noise from incoming messages, phone calls, and emails. If you are checking messages when someone is talking to you, you are saying to that person that they are not a priority, and you are not really interested in what they have to say.

You must give the speaker your undivided attention and acknowledge that you are listening by making eye contact.

Eye contact is what happens when you and another person look into each other’s eyes at the same time. This is one form of non-verbal communication. You can tell when someone is looking elsewhere even if they don’t move their head. You can see where their eyes are directed and if they maintain that direction for an extended period, they are not concentrating on you. 

You do not have to stare at the other person like you are trying to hypnotise them! Hold your eye contact for 4 to 5 seconds at a time. Make eye contact before you speak. As a rule of thumb, you should maintain eye contact 50% -70% of the time during your conversation.

Making eye contact helps you to remember what the other person said.

Eye contact is important as it creates a bond with the other person. It is an important display of honesty and authenticity which also builds trust and respect. It improves understanding between people by helping us to focus and read the non-verbal clues about how the other person is feeling such as their facial expression.

You can read more about why eye contact is essential to our everyday interaction with people in this article from Psychologist World.

Do you listen to the full story without interrupting?

As Steven Covey said in his book “The 7 Habits Of Highly Successful People”, most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply.

Test this out. Next time you are in a conversation, note how long the other person speaks before your mind is immediately seeking a way to reply. When you have formulated a reply, it is extremely difficult for you to listen to what the other person is saying.

Interrupting stops the other person from speaking. You cut them off. It is human nature to want to connect and to help another person, but interrupting will have a negative impact on the connection. You have shifted the focus of the conversation to you. And it’s rude.

It also means you do not get the entire story. This can be dangerous. In 1984, Beckman and Frankel conducted a study that revealed how long a doctor would let a patient talk without interrupting them. The average time was just 18 seconds. Their conclusion was that the behaviour could lead to the loss of valuable information that is vital to arriving at a correct diagnosis. Now, whilst you may not be diagnosing a medical condition you could be providing advice or guidance that will be ill-informed because you have not listened to the entire story.

We often interrupt to ask a question, provide a solution to a problem, or show that we understand, but just like being distracted, it tells the other person that you don't care what they have to say, and you want to end the conversation. It tells the other person that your voice is more important, and you don’t have time to listen to them.

You must learn to listen to the full story before speaking. You must let the other person finish speaking before you ask your question, offer a solution, or provide your opinion.

Avoiding interruption makes the conversation more meaningful and productive. It shows respect for the other person and encourages open dialogue. It will enhance your understanding of the other person’s message and emotions, and it will build trust.

The first thing to do is be aware of when you are interrupting. This self-awareness makes you aware of the situations where it is likely to happen. It also allows you to acknowledge to the other person that you are aware of what you just did and that you are working to improve. A simple, “Sorry, I just interrupted you, please carry on.” In this way, you can get the conversation back on track.

Here are some tips to avoid interrupting. 

·       Wait until there is a natural break in the conversation.

·       Stop formulating your responses and just listen.

·       Make eye contact.

·       Reflect on what the other person said, summarise it, and play it back to them. Then you can share your thoughts.

·       Be non-judgmental. When you are judgemental and disagree with what is being said, interrupting is likely to happen.

·       Don’t assume you know what the other person is going to say. If you assume you know nothing, you will be forced to listen.

·       Don’t try and find a solution when you should be listening.

·       If you are formulating questions instead of listening, you will be more likely to interrupt. So, hold off on the questions.

·       Ask the other person if they are done before you speak.

Do you restrain from injecting your own ideas and opinions and finishing the other person’s sentences for them?

This is a very annoying habit that many people have. When someone is talking and pauses to find the right words or gather their thoughts, the other person feels the need to fill the silence and start talking. Let the silence sit there for a while. It is not a vacuum that needs to be filled.

When you finish a person’s sentence for them, you have broken the flow of the conversation. You have made a terrible mistake in assuming that you knew what they were going to say. In most cases, you probably get it wrong, and you have thrown the other person right off the track.

If you finish someone else’s sentences, they will feel that you are putting words in their mouths.

Your goal is to listen so you must avoid jumping in with your own ideas and opinions. Before you enter the conversation and during it, remove your biases and be non-judgemental. Whilst your ideas and opinions may be valid, whilst you are formulating them, you are not listening. Whilst you are injecting them, you are not listening.

Here are some ways to avoid finishing sentences.

·       Just like interrupting, when you recognise you are finishing other people’s sentences you can take action to avoid it.

·       If the person speaking, is speaking slowly or is hesitant, be patient. Let them have time to tell you their story in its completeness. Relax.

·       Ask others to tell you when you are finishing their sentences to increase your self-awareness.

·       Watch the other person’s mouth. You can normally tell when they have finished speaking and if you are not sure, ask them if they still have more to add. Do not make them feel that you are wrapping up the conversation by finishing their sentences.

·       Be aware of the other person's reaction when you have finished their sentence. The fact that they are irritated, annoyed, disappointed, frustrated or hurt. When you realise the impact you have, it will help you to change your behaviour.

Do you give the impression that you are genuinely interested in what is being said?

If you want someone to tell you how they are really feeling, or share their ideas, they must know that you are genuinely interested.

There are many ways in which to do this.

·       Face the person who is talking to you.

·       Make eye contact.

·       Open up and relax. Do not create a barrier by crossing your arms or ankles or putting your hands in your pockets.

·       Nod to signal you are engaged, interested, and understanding. Nodding encourages the other person to keep talking.

·       As you are nodding, try simple utterances such as, “Ah ha” or “mmhmm” or “I see. This keeps the conversation moving.

·       Use facial expressions to reflect what is being said. Smile, frown, and raise your eyebrows as is fitting.

·       Lean in so they know you are listening.

·       Empathise by using the same facial expressions.

·       Ask questions without constantly interrupting. Ask permission to ask a question. This shows you are interested in what they are saying, and you want to know more.

·       When the other person finishes speaking, reflect and use your own words to summarise what they have said so they know you were listening.

Summary

If you are an active listener, you are focused on hearing the entirety of what someone else has to say. It will prevent you from missing important information which could lead to offering the wrong advice or guidance.

Active listening is a skill that can be mastered but it takes intention and commitment and practice. When mastered, it will empower you as a leader.