Beyond the Buzzword: Building Real Emotional Intelligence 2
The EI Advantage: Self-Management
In my last newsletter, I discussed the first component of emotional intelligence: self-awareness. Research by Dr Tasha Eurich and her team found that while 95% of people claim to be self-aware, only 10-15% of individuals meet the criteria for self-awareness.
Self-awareness means you know who you are. Understanding yourself is foundational to other leadership competencies, including self-control, empathy, collaboration, effective decision-making and building trust.
The four components
The four components of EI are:
· Self-awareness
· Self-management
· Social awareness
· Relationship management
In this series of newsletters, I am exploring each of the components, as despite extensive research and numerous writings about the benefits, they are being sorely overlooked. Hopefully, I can bring it to life.
Self-management
Self-management, also referred to as self-regulation, is the next step after self-awareness. You cannot manage your emotions if you do not understand them. When you are aware of them, you can control them to act with integrity and honesty consistently.
It starts with you being aware of how you are feeling. Recognition is key. You can't manage what you are not aware of. Your body can give you clues such as clenched fists, tight shoulders, or an increasing heart rate.
When you are aware, you can choose how you respond, rather than act impulsively. You can give yourself time to stay calm and choose a response that is aligned with your values.
Why?
Self-management involves maintaining emotional control. You can resist impulsive behaviours that may exacerbate the situation. You can think before you act. You can pause, take a deep breath in intense and stressful situations.
If you can self-manage, maintain a positive outlook, and adapt to various situations and contexts, you are likely to succeed.
If you cannot manage your negative and impulsive emotions, you can cause negative emotions in others.
Self-management reduces your levels of stress and anxiety, which can negatively impact your physical and mental well-being.
How?
In the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradbury and Jean Greaves provide 17 self-management strategies. Extracted from getstoryshots.com
1. Breathe right. Oxygen goes first to your body’s vital functions, then to complex functions that help you stay calm. Learning correct breathing techniques and consciously focusing on them when you’re stressed is simple yet crucial advice.
2. Create an emotion versus reason list. Develop a habit of making such a list whenever your emotions and reasoning conflict, with your emotions on one side and rational reasons on the other. Use the list to identify which emotions are not valid considerations and which ones provide important cues that your reason might have overlooked.
3. Make your goals public. Because most self-management is a matter of motivation, making your goals public can harness the motivation that comes with meeting the expectations of others. Share the right goals with the right people who will keep you accountable for each one.
4. Count to ten. Use this simple self-control method to regain your rational mind when needed. You might do something else, such as taking a drink, to achieve the same effect and give yourself a few moments.
5. Sleep on it. When you’re unsure of what to do, time often helps clarify matters by letting emotions subside before you reach a decision.
6. Consult a skilled self-manager. Ask them about their self-management processes to gain insights into how to improve your own behaviour.
7. Smile and laugh more. Because changing your external expression can influence your internal mood, forcing yourself to smile can counteract a negative mood.
8. Allocate some time in your day for problem-solving. Set aside 15 minutes in your schedule to pause the rush of activity and emotion, and take time to think without the distraction of your phone or computer.
9. Take control of your self-talk. The average person has about 50,000 thoughts per day, each of which triggers chemical reactions in the brain that influence emotions and behaviour. You usually don’t notice this, but you can improve your self-management by identifying negative self-talk (e.g., "I always," "I never," "I’m an idiot," "it’s their fault") and replacing it with healthier thoughts (e.g., "Sometimes I make that mistake," "I accept responsibility").
10. Visualise yourself succeeding. Because your brain reacts the same way to visualising something as it does to experiencing it, visualisation is a simple but powerful tool to prepare yourself for success. Take the time each night before you go to bed and visualise yourself acting the way you’d like in situations you’ve had difficulty with in the past, or might face the next day.
11. Improve your sleep habits. You need 20 minutes of natural morning sunlight each day to reset your biological clock. Avoid caffeine after breakfast (caffeine remains in your system for 12 hours), screens for two hours before bed (the blue light inhibits the production of hormones necessary for sleep), and activities such as working or watching TV in bed (which stop your brain from cueing your body to sleep when you’re in bed).
12. Focus your attention on your freedoms rather than your limitations. Take responsibility for what you can influence in any situation, such as your own attitudes and reactions, instead of worrying about things beyond your control. The more you concentrate on what you can influence, the more you will find you can influence.
13. Stay in sync. If your body language doesn’t match the situation, it’s a sign that your emotions are out of balance. Be mindful of your body language and use it as a cue to manage your emotions when needed.
14. Speak to someone who is not emotionally involved in your problem. A second opinion can be invaluable, but only if the other person is not emotionally invested in a particular situation. Find the right people to serve as sounding boards for specific situations.
15. Learn a valuable lesson from everyone you meet. The key here is in your mindset; if you aim to learn something from every interaction, you'll stay more adaptable, open-minded, and relaxed. Always ask yourself what you can learn about yourself or others from their behaviour, and you’ll find negative emotional reactions occur far less often.
16. Schedule a mental recharge. Physical activity not only benefits your body but also gives your brain an essential rest. Make physical exercise a regular part of your schedule, rather than trying to fit it in when you have time.
17. Accept that change is just around the corner. Because people tend to be upset by change, accepting that change is inevitable will save you a great deal of stress. Take time every week or two to write down some changes that could potentially happen in important areas of your life, as well as actions you will want to take if those changes occur.
Making it real
There is a simple, science-backed framework rooted in Polyvagal Theory, as developed by Deb Dana.
Polyvagal theory is the science of how our nervous system responds to both safety and stress in our lives. She has developed the 4 Rs as a practical tool to enable regulation in the moment of dysregulation. This framework will help return you to a state of calm and connection. Recognise – Respect – Regulate - Re-story.
Michelle Grosser outlines how the 4 Rs work.
1. Recognise
The first step to shifting out of dysregulation is awareness. Recognising means tuning into your body’s cues and noticing when you’re out of balance. Are your shoulders tight? Is your heart racing? Do you feel restless, disconnected, or on edge? These are all signals that your nervous system is trying to convey to you.
Why It Matters:
You can’t address what you’re not aware of. Recognising these subtle cues early helps you intervene before overwhelm fully takes hold.
Try This: Pause a few times throughout the day and ask, “What am I feeling in my body right now?” Start with a simple body scan: notice your breath, tension, or any areas that feel off.
2. Respect
Once you’ve recognised what’s happening, the next step is to respect your nervous system’s response. This means honouring your body’s reaction without judgment. Your fight, flight, or freeze response isn’t a flaw - it’s your body doing its job to protect you.
Why It Matters:
When you approach your experience with respect and compassion, you reduce the emotional charge and reinforce a sense of safety. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” you shift to “It’s okay that I feel this.”
Try This: Replace self-criticism with self-compassion. Place a hand over your heart and gently say, “It’s okay to feel this. My body is doing its best to keep me safe.” Simple gestures like this remind your nervous system that it’s safe to let go.
3. Regulate
Regulating involves actively guiding your nervous system back to a calm state using body-based tools and techniques. This could include breathwork, movement, grounding exercises, or sensory practices. These tools speak the language your body understands - helping you move out of stress and into a state of safety.
Why It Matters:
Regulation works at the root level. It’s not about forcing yourself to feel better but about signalling to your body, “You’re safe now.” When you regulate, you activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms and restores your entire system.
Try This: Start with something simple:
· 5-5-7 Breathing: Inhale for 5 counts, hold for 5, exhale for 7. Repeat for 2-3 minutes.
· Grounding: Place both feet on the floor, feel the contact, and take a deep breath as you notice your surroundings.
4. Re-story
Re-storying is about shifting the narrative around your experience. It’s asking yourself: “What else could be true here?” or “How can I view this situation through a more compassionate lens?” When you reframe your experience, you change how your brain and your nervous system respond to it.
Why It Matters:
The stories you tell yourself shape your reality. Re-storying helps decrease emotional reactivity and rewire your brain to respond to stressors with more resilience and clarity.
Try This:
When you notice yourself spiralling into self-judgment or stress, pause and ask:
· “What’s another way to look at this?”
· “What’s a kinder narrative I can tell myself?”
A process
Remember that learning self-management or self-regulation is a process. It takes practice. Start with Recognise and Respect and go from there. The more you practice, the more intuitive these steps will become.