Asking for Feedback

A few weeks ago, my newsletter was about Giving Feedback. I planned to follow up with this newsletter, but I got interrupted by the mixed messages being sent out by PwC. So, we are now back on track, and I want to explore why we, particularly leaders, must ask for feedback.

We must ask for feedback as it:

·       Provides us with valuable insights into our performance

·       Enables growth and improvement

·       Identifies strengths and areas for development

·       Increases self-awareness and mindfulness of how our actions impact others

·       Helps us avoid mistakes

·       Builds trust and respect

·       Strengthens relationships

Get comfortable

Many leaders do not ask for feedback as it makes them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, it is hard to hear that you could do better. But remember that feedback is about what you do well and what you could do better.

For many, asking for feedback is stepping outside their comfort zone. Resist the urge to go back into your comfort zone. It is important to remember that each time you step outside your comfort zone, your comfort zone gets bigger. Your comfort zone is your safe place. It is where you feel in control.

 Find the courage to step into the fear zone. This is the unknown. This is where you feel discomfort, feel less confident, less capable, and more worried about the feedback you may receive.

The only way to reach the learning zone is to spend time in the fear zone. You must have a growth mindset and believe you can learn and develop.

When you reach the learning zone, you are curious and ask questions. This is where you intentionally seek feedback for growth and improvement. In the growth zone, you apply the learnings from the learning zone. You are growing.

If being in the fear zone makes you feel vulnerable, remember that vulnerability is a sign of courage, not weakness. As Brené Brown said:

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

Another reason leaders often do not seek feedback because they may not like what they hear.

The key thing is to remember that feedback is generally not personal. It is not about you as a person but about you as a leader and how well you perform in that role.

When a person is brave enough to give you feedback when they know it is not positive, it is your duty as the leader to take it on board and own it. Whilst you may feel upset, angry, or disappointed by what you hear, you must see this as an opportunity for improvement, growth, and development.

Just as positive feedback is an opportunity to do more of the same, negative feedback is an opportunity to do things differently.

Psychological safety

You will only get open and candid feedback when you have built an environment of psychological safety.

Psychological safety is the belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes and that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking.

The person providing you with feedback must feel safe giving you good and bad feedback and be assured that there will be no reprisals or repercussions.

What is your question?

When seeking feedback, what question will you ask? Your question should be open-ended and not answerable with a yes or no. It should be something you would naturally say so that it sounds authentic. Use questions that start with “how” or “what.”

Here are some suggestions:

·       What is one thing I could do to support you better?

·       What is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing?

·       How could I be a better leader?

·       What are my strong skills, and what are my weak ones?

·       How could I improve team performance?

When

You may seek feedback after a specific event, such as a team restructure, but I suggest you ask your team members for feedback as a regular part of your one-on-one meetings. (I suggest you have one-on-one meetings with each direct report at least fortnightly.)

This means your team members know you will ask them for feedback at the meeting, and they can think about what they want to tell you.

Asking for feedback should never be a surprise and put someone on the spot.

Where

The same conditions should apply when you are giving feedback.

Will this be an in-person or a virtual meeting? If in-person, is there a quiet and private space you can use? If virtual, what is the best platform to use? Ensure that cameras are on so you can read the non-verbal and verbal clues about how comfortable the person feels providing you with feedback.

Relax

When feedback is being given or received, the situation can involve emotional contagion. This is the spontaneous spread of emotions or behaviour from one person to another.

The person giving you feedback may feel uncomfortable, and you are likely to feel uncomfortable because they are uncomfortable.

It is important to try and relax and remove any anxiety or concern from the situation. If you are relaxed, the person giving feedback will be more relaxed.

When the person giving feedback shows signs of discomfort by not answering your question, don’t stop seeking the feedback. Ask them your question again, and then stay quiet. Give them time to formulate their answer. They will fill the silence with a response.

Active listening

You must listen to understand and not to respond. You cannot listen if you are talking. Period.

Listen rather than think about what you want to say.

Give the other person your full and undivided attention.

Use nonverbal feedback such as nodding, facial expression, and the right body language to reassure the person that you are listening without speaking.

When you are an active listener, you avoid all distractions. You cannot allow yourself to be distracted by what is going on around you. This includes noise from incoming messages, phone calls, and emails.

If you check messages when a person is giving you feedback, you are telling that person that you are not interested in what they have to say.

They will not give you feedback again.

You must give the person providing feedback your undivided attention and acknowledge that you are listening by making eye contact.

Eye contact occurs when you and another person look into each other’s eyes at the same time. This is one form of nonverbal communication. You can tell when someone is looking elsewhere, even if they don’t move their head. You can see where their eyes are directed, and if they maintain that direction for an extended period, they are not concentrating on you.

Again, if you are not concentrating on the person giving feedback, you tell them you are not interested in what they have to say. They will not give you feedback again.

Eye contact is important as it creates a bond with the other person. It is an important display of honesty and authenticity that builds trust and respect. It improves understanding between people by helping us to focus and read the non-verbal clues about how the other person is feeling, such as their facial expressions.

Do not interrup 

When receiving feedback, there can be an overwhelming desire to respond to justify your actions or behaviour. This is dangerous because interrupting stops the person providing feedback from speaking. It means you do not get the entire feedback. You must let the other person finish speaking before you respond.

Avoiding interruption makes the conversation more meaningful and productive. It shows respect for the other person and encourages open dialogue.

Look out for my upcoming newsletter, “The Lost Skills of Communication and Listening—LISTENING,” for tips on avoiding interrupting.

Genuine

If you want someone to give you open and honest feedback, you must demonstrate that you genuinely want their candid feedback.

You cannot seek feedback just to tick a box. You must be authentic and genuinely want to hear what others say.

Look out for my upcoming newsletter, “The Lost Skills of Communication and Listening – LISTENING”, for ways to show you are genuinely interested.

Act

You must act on the feedback you have received. If you don't, people will stop giving you feedback.

It’s like being asked to complete a survey, and then you get no feedback on how your opinions have been taken onboard.

When you get positive feedback about your performance as a leader, do more of the same.

When areas for improvement are identified, put in place a plan to address the gaps.

Follow up with the person who gave the feedback and share your plans and actions based on what they said.

Remember, you do not have to promise to make massive changes. Whilst the feedback you receive is the other person’s reality, there could be extenuating circumstances that have led to some feedback that does not sit right with you. You can respond by saying, “I am going to share that feedback with my fellow leaders and seek their input.”

When you have acted, share the changes that you have made. Ask if you have corrected the situation or if there is more that you need to do.

If you are unable to act on certain feedback, you must share the reasons why. For example, “Unfortunately, due to the executive-imposed budget constraints, I will be unable to arrange another offsite team-building session this financial year. I am keeping it in mind for the following year.

If you do nothing or say nothing, people will assume you have ignored their feedback.

Summary

Making asking and receiving feedback a habit. If you bury your head in the sand, you will not grow as a leader.